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Recently we coached Ron, a young manager whose subordinate had challenged his authority on decisions. Although Ron held his ground, he later reported feeling two almost irresistible desires - to discipline his employee, and to just give up and walk away.

Ron had logical reasons for disciplining, firing, or giving in to that employee. But upon reflection, he realized that the logic was all rationalization; his feelings were compelled by an emotional field that he had entered unconsciously. It was as if he stepped back into the contentious family he grew up in - his family of origin. His father had often lectured his mother, always "being right," and his mother had always responded by placating (but resisting, under the surface). Ron would remain silent, trying desperately to think of the perfect intervention that would resolve their struggle, but never saying anything out loud.

Now, as a boss, he was suddenly "hooked" into that old pattern. He knew how he wanted to behave, but in moments of confrontation, he could not seem to draw forth the person he wanted to be.

So Ron went back to talk to each of his parents (now divorced) about their old patterns of behavior. He found out that neither parent had ever felt in control during their arguments; they responded to each other automatically and unconsciously. Hearing this relieved Ron's guilt; nothing he could have done would ever have fixed it. In interviews, his parents told the story of their own upbringing, including the forces in their own families that had helped create his father's rigid arrogance and his mother's placating. As his conversations with them continued, he became more flexible; he saw how each parent viewed the other, and listened without feeling compelled to change them. Thereafter, when challenges to his authority came up at work, he no longer felt blocked; he now knew how to handle himself much better.

Family of origin theory proposes that many chronic problems with human behavior have their roots in the patterns of family relationships. The theory is bold enough to suggest that you can change this behavior, as an adult, by reliving and reshaping some of these relationships in carefully designed ways. For example, if you clear up authority issues with your father, your authority issues could vanish everywhere. If you come to understand the dynamics between you and your brothers and sisters, it may become much easier for you to work effectively on teams and become a more confident and capable leader.

Virginia Satir, a renowned family systems practitioner and theorist, tells a story in which a young couple invites the bride's family for a holiday meal. the bride takes a roast out of the refrigerator, cuts the end off, lays it alongside the larger part, and puts it into the oven. The new husband, observing this unusual process, asks her why she cut off the end.

The bride thinks for a moment and then says, "Well, that's the way I was taught to cook a roast. Isn't that so, Mother?"

Her mother says, "Yes, that's how I learned to do it."

Then the grandmother speaks up. "Yes, that's what I taught you. But we were young and poor, and we didn't have a large pan. I haven't cut the end off a roast in more than forty years." In this way, patterns of behavior are passed on to succeeding generations, and may be intensified each step of the way. The feelings that you experience and behaviors you perform automatically today may be very inappropriate to your current circumstances.

Many aspects of your family history may help determine your responses under stress and anxiety. For instance, firstborn, middle, youngest, and only children (with no siblings) each have characteristic ways of forming relationships, taking responsibility, and responding to authority. Sometimes, for instance, two firstborns fall into rivalry that serves neither of them well, simply because they react competitively to each other as firstborns. Or a difficult relationship with a coworker may bear unconscious echoes of the relationship between a bossy older brother and a petulant younger sister. The following exercise will help you explore your family of origin experiences, both benevolent and bothersome - and begin to change the behavior that stems from them.

The form of family of origin theory to which we subscribe was originally developed by Murray Bowen, and extended into organizational applications by Edwin Friedman. Friedman's most accessible book is Generation to Generation (New York: Guilford Press, 1985). This book is well written, deep, and thorough without being too dense. Friedman focuses on the organizations he knew best: churches and synagogues. We also recommend "Reinventing Leadership," a videotape presentation by Edwin Friedman - Brenda Kerr and Denny Minno.

This introduction and exercise are taken from a much longer, more in-depth piece of writing, with much more material about (for example) the influence of birth order on workplace behavior. For access to that material, see The Fifth Discipline Resource Web page at www.fieldbook.com

To identify the last three generations, we recommend that you construct a diagram of your family that includes names, ages, dates of birth and death, and dates of marriages, divorces, and separations. For complex family trees, you may want to learn the diagramming technique of "genograms." See Genograms in the Family Assessment, by Monica McGoldrick and Randy Gerson (New York: Norton, 1985).

Third, conduct tape-recorded conversations with family members. Tell your parents and others that you are trying to understand yourself and the history of your family. Most people become eager to share their knowledge about the family, especially when they realize you are not trying to blame or find fault.
Interview by asking questions, not by talking yourself. The more questions, the better - follow their lead and your own nose. Do not challenge or confront people, even if you think they are covering up or lying. If your tone of voice conveys a genuine interest in their account of the discrepancy, then you may discover some very interesting information.

Write down, ahead of time, the core questions you want to ask. Some of the things you might ask about include: early memories of parents, grandparents, siblings, the house, the neighborhood, and playmates. Memories of going to school and the parents' attitude toward school. Discipline in the home. Relationships. ("Who listened to your feelings when you were happy, sad, or angry?") Family squabbles. Family mottoes and rules. Early girlfriends and boyfriends. The ways that spouses or partners met, and their impact on the family.

Do everything possible to be trustworthy. For example, keep every interview confidential. If people ask you about other interview, respond only with statements about your own perceptions and feelings; don't reveal what anyone else said. Don't challenge, disagree, or condemn family members for what they say to you. People will talk more when you listen with an open, nonevaluative presence. You have asked for their perception of family life, which inevitably will differ from your own perspective. Take on the attitude of an objective research; the less debating or criticizing you do during the interview, the better.

These interviews themselves are potential vehicles for change. Instead of lapsing into familiar patterns with your parents (responding to them as their child), arrive with the emotional presence of an adult; a peer who is also their offspring. Many people find that the interview format itself helps put them into this adult-to-adult role.

STEP THREE: CHANGING THE PATTERNS
You can now take the data that you have gathered "back home," reflect on it, and use it to modify some of your behavior in the workplace. While there may be some quick breakthroughs, changes in ingrained behavior won't happen all at once. They tend to take place incrementally. Having recognized the resonance of a "stuck" situation, you will approach it a little differently the next time. It usually goes like this: "They are always asking me to take on extra responsibility, and I always acquiesce - just as I did at home, and my mother did in her family. Next time, I'm going to establish clearer boundaries at the beginning." Maybe your new insight will lead to new behavior; but maybe you'll get sucked in to the old familiar patterns again. But now, attuned to how you participate in the conversation, you keep trying new approaches, until you find a response that works for you.

You may wonder if it's safe to experiment in this way, particularly if you are unacquainted with these methods. Having a coach or being in a support group is helpful. In our groups, participants take on roles in one another's dramatic scenes, simulating real-world stress and allowing one another to rehearse new behaviors and respond in a variety of ways.

We believe you can safely explore the "knots" in your family of origin, so long as you bear in mind that you are experimenting. As Ronald Richardson, a well-known family of origin theorist, says: "Most average people with only a normal complement of problems can do this work without involving a third party." We also agree with his warning that, "some people who are deeply troubled or come from families with severe emotional problems should not attempt to do this work without professional help." He adds: Remember, there is really nothing new here. People have been doing this kind of work in their families for as long as families have existed…They have worked at untangling the roots, identifying who they really are, and deciding what they are responsible for."

Excepted from The Dance of Change edited by Peter Senge.
Copyright © 1999 Published by Currency, Double Day Publishing, New York
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.